“A Year of Firsts after Loss”
“Most people think you should be back to normal once that Year of Firsts is done. Nothing could be further from the truth”
– Megan Devine
Losing a loved one brings a wave heart-wrenching reality of 'firsts'—the first holiday without them, their first missed birthday, the first anniversary of their passing, and the first celebration of ANYTHING where their absence is deeply felt. Each milestone can feel like a new wave of grief, making the journey seem endless.
I vividly remember my feelings only a few months after she was taken from us, the day my daughter would have turned 21. I imagined and longed for what that celebration would have looked like, but instead we as a family celebrated our own special way, sharing special memories of her to keep her alive just a little bit longer; as if that empty seat at the table wasn’t quite so empty, if only for a while.
In my experience, the intensity of grief gradually softened over the years, making room for gratitude—gratitude for the precious time we were blessed to have with her. Yet, even as the pain eased, there were moments, like attending the weddings of her friends, that pulled me back into my imagination. I found myself picturing the beauty and individuality of a wedding that would have reflected her own unique spirit. I allowed myself the joy of creating a new memory with her, if only in my mind.
Navigating the First Year: A Few Tips
1. Create a Meaningful Plan: Decide whether to spend the day alone or with friends, but ensure you acknowledge the occasion in a way that holds significance for you.
2. Embrace Flexibility: Be kind to yourself if the day doesn't unfold as planned. Avoid dwelling on expectations and instead, stay present, allowing yourself to fully experience all the emotions that arise—whether they be sadness, anger, or hope.
3. Celebrate with Joy: It's perfectly okay to feel happiness and joy while celebrating their memory. Finding joy in these moments helps keep the best parts of both of you alive. Introducing new activities that intertwine with your memories is a beautiful way to honor and carry them with you.
4. Create New Traditions While Honoring the Old: Lay the groundwork for traditions that blend the familiar with the new. These can evolve organically over time as you find what feels meaningful. Give yourself permission to experiment—some traditions may stay, while others naturally fade.
5. Seek Connection and a Safe Space: Avoid isolating yourself, even when it feels easier to retreat. Surround yourself with supportive people who allow you to express your feelings freely. Whether it's a trusted friend, a support group, or a counselor, having a safe space to unpack your emotions is essential.
6. Celebrate Your Milestones: Honor yourself by acknowledging the milestones—big and small—that you achieve throughout the year. Whether it’s making it through a significant day, starting a new project, or simply finding a moment of peace, each step forward is worth celebrating.
